a rant about autism (unedited)
"gifted kid burnout" - tom o'donovan my god, i often listen to this song forgetting how reflective and anxious it makes me.
it is litterally my life word for word. when i was 8 i had just started reguarly going to my primary school counlselor. i was easily agitated. people said i had "anger issues". i hate that concept and don't believe we should try and solve emotions after they happen. first of-why is it my responsibility to be resilient when i was in an overwhelming envirement full of bullys. fucking hell year 4 and 5 were horrible. i got beaten with a plastic shovel by another kid from the counselor group thing. i remember running and hiding from what i remember being a crowd of bassically everyone in year 4. i hid behind a bin around a corner for half of lunch, was found by this one kid who bullied me a bunch in year 3, i tried to get into a classroom and broke the door and i was suspended because i broke a door.... haha fuck you all bitches..... for 1 day, the other guy was also suspended for one day. what the fuck is the point of an external suspension? tbf the other guy had an internal suspension for 2 days after my external suspension ended.... but internal suspensions still for some reason let you go out at recess and lunch?
my memory when i am overwhelmed or stressed has always been bad. i remember not remembering what happened.
the point of that rant was to communicate that management did not need to be done on the impacts of the events, but on the cause. you fix too much traffic on one road by removing cars from the road. you fix someone traumatised by bullying by removing the bully from the envirement.
this started with me talking about gifted kid burnout didnt it. this is the second time ive written about it.
one of my few memories from a phycologist when i was younger was one meeting with someone and my mother and me. she asked my mum a bunch of questions. things like "does he watch people when they walk across a room". which i now understand to be a specific example of did i acively observe what was around me? yes. at the time i just thought it was a silly question. doesnt everyone?
the conclusion was that i probably have autism. i dont remember why i never went back there, or what happened to that rabbit hole but. in short im not officially diagnosed.
i have always been near the top of my class. that was numbed when i went to a private highschool. at that point though i feel i was faster, more efficient at getting schoolwork done to the standard, that most people were. a year ago i moved to a public R-12 school. and my genuine statement was that i spent 2 years in highschool and then came back to primary school. ive complained about the low standards of public schools before tho, no point doing that again.
about 6 months ago, actually a bit longer now. i first heard socrates quote "for i was concious that i knew nothing". so how does the smartest person in the world not know anything? my conclusion is that it means the smartest thing to do in any situation is acknollege what and that you dont know.
i dont know how to philosophies, or write an accurate recount of my experiences or how to reconise what im feeling or deal with frustration and emotions.
i am me, i am 15, i guess im learning